Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize