He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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