4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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