It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
