For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
