Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
