i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
