I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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