the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize