Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
