Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
