billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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