is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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