I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
