Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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