Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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