So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
