He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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