guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Acid is not a monday night drug
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
