apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
