Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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