the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
