I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Randomize
