there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
