it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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