I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
where are you?
Hypothermia
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
