Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Panties = found
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