He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
