I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
