Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Oh god it's open bar.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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