She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
