Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
