Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
