I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
