Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
