I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize