but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
