Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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