I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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