I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
