Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
