ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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