dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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