I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
