the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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