no, he came in my armpit
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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