i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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