Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We left the knife in your bed.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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