your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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