I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
