I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
There's even glitter on my cock...
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