i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I supernannyed him into submission
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
