I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
