I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
