i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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