You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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