In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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