So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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