one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I could fuck to npr.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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