Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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