After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
