Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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