i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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